September 8th, 2009
Toe clips, or no toe clips? I never can make up my mind about the damn things. When you're riding a bike, what exactly do they do for you? Can you thrust throughout more of your pedal stroke? That what is seems like to me, which gives me cause to reinstall them on my bike. Then again, getting your foot in the stirrup while starting can be a pain and if you stop suddenly and your foot sticks somehow you really can bite it. (I know; I've done it!) What do you do?
Someone I was dating once told me that she was afraid if she wasn't dating me that she wouldn't be successful if we weren't together. When I asked what she meant she said she felt I was lucky and being connected to me would earn some luck by osmosis. Now, I don't believe in luck, but I do think that if you believe in luck and and believe you're lucky then you will be. So, yes I'm lucky. Furthermore all the people I know are lucky via proxy! Congratulations!
You know what? I grew up in a large family, but I've realized that it's only gotten bigger as I've gotten older. Let me explain: No family is perfect. No parents are perfect. Every person has family-shaped holes in them that their families couldn't fill. Not because their families are comprised of bad people but simply because people are people and have their own shit they're dealing with, so they can't engineer themselves to be what you need, yeah? So, I think one of the later stages of growing into an “adult” is figuring out (consciously or unconsciously) what kind of relationships you need and seeking them out.
When I was 5 years old I told my mom that I thought people would die without music. Trying to be agreeable, she said something like “well yes, there's a timing to music just like the seasons and humans wouldn't live without those seasons.” Unsatisfied with her abstraction I responded, “NO! NOT THE SEASONS. PEOPLE WOULD DIE WITHOUT MUSIC MOM!” and stormed off in my cowboy boots. I love music. Music is not a vain art. Music is essential to life. People would die without music.
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I'm on a short vacation in New Hampshire. Anna and I are spending a few days at her grandparents sailing on Squam lake, swimming, riding bikes, and playing cards. It's kind of a limbo period between the last 8 years I've spent in Nashville and the impending future elsewhere. (New York for me, London for Anna.)
I'm moving for acting school. I really don't know anything about acting; I've been in one show as an adult – that was this summer – and I pretty much faked my way through it. Whatever that means.
My brain jump through all the rhetorical hoops as a matter of obligation; It asks if I'll be good, if acting will come naturally to me, if I'll fail, embarrass myself, or if I'm wasting my time.
Really when it comes down to it, what I truly know is that I'll be fine, and if I work hard, I'll be great. I feel like I've been lucky to have ended up with very self-assuring brain chemistry. Though I'm neurotic as hell, at the end of the day, I believe in my ability to learn and become great at anything I put my mind to.
That said, I have no idea what to expect really. Everyone tells me Maggie Flanagan is a hard-ass, and from what little I'm seen and after having met her during my interview, I believe it.
I wonder if this turns into a book. I am entering a field in complete ignorance having no experience and yet learning from the best. I think since I have the awareness to observe a process and document my experiences I might be learning something more than just the craft.
